\n\n \t\tEditor\u2019s picks<\/p>\n<\/h2>\n<\/section>\n
\n\tI reached out to Pat Smear, who\u2019d been brought in to play with Nirvana, to ask him something that had been bothering me.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cDid Kurt think Courtney was cheating on him with me?\u201d I asked.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cYeah, man,\u201d Pat said. \u201cHe thought you and Courtney were having an affair.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cHe didn\u2019t really think I\u2019d do that to him, did he?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cAfraid so.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tOh god, I thought. Kurt went to his death thinking I\u2019d slept with Courtney.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tPat was a friend of mine. I was in awe of him. He told me he\u2019d tried to reassure Kurt there was nothing going on, but apparently Kurt wasn\u2019t convinced. Even though things got weird toward the end, deep down I think Kurt was a good person. Just knowing Kurt was carrying that with him when he died was deeply upsetting to me.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t***\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tCourtney was fixated on me, but she wasn\u2019t the only one. It was always strange. It happened again when Kathleen Hanna of Bikini Kill put out a zine called\u00a0My Life with Evan Dando, Popstar<\/em>. The zine reflected her frustration with the media, to which I could certainly relate, but I wasn\u2019t offended by it, but her fans thought it was an attack on me and felt obligated to take action and mobilize a protest against me. Riot Grrrls would come to my shows and not enjoy themselves as a statement. They\u2019d stand around in groups and yell, \u201cEvan Dando sucks!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n \t\tRelated Content<\/p>\n<\/h2>\n<\/section>\n
\n\tThe funny thing was they didn\u2019t do this outside. They bought tickets and did it during the show. As long as you pay your way in, you can protest all you want.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tKathleen and I actually knew each other. We\u2019d met by chance at the Portobello Road market in London. We literally bumped into each other and hung out for a while. It was totally cool and completely innocent, but you\u2019d never know that reading the zine. She was using her imagination. It just had very little to do with our encounter that day.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tBy the way,\u00a0My Life with Evan Dando<\/em>\u00a0wasn\u2019t the only anti\u2013Evan Dando zine on the market.\u00a0Die Evan Dando, Die<\/em>\u00a0beat Kathleen Hanna to the punch. When people don\u2019t like me, they go out of their way to make their feelings known. I can relate. Sometimes I don\u2019t like me either.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\t***\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tThe second time I didn\u2019t sleep with Courtney, I was hanging out with her the summer after Kurt died. She was supposed to go on the aptly titled Live Through This Tour, but the death of her bass player, Kristen Pfaff, made that impossible.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tPeople in the scene kept slipping away, mostly from drug overdoses. In terms of my own drug use, I was very much in denial. I did a lot of drugs with Courtney the summer after Kurt died.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tI\u2019d say something like \u201cWe\u2019ll party after the show.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cWhat we\u2019re onto is way beyond partying. You shouldn\u2019t even call it partying,\u201d Courtney said.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tShe was right, but I wasn\u2019t ready to admit that I had a habit, that I looked forward to that first shot of the day a little too much, that the only time I felt right with the world was when I was high. Those realizations were coming, but in the summer of 1994, they were still a long way off.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tCourtney kept trying to make something happen between us. I would tell her no and she would sulk about it for a while and I\u2019d avoid her. Then she\u2019d ask me for a small favor, the kind that any friend would do, especially after what she\u2019d been through, and I\u2019d do it. I felt bad about rejecting her all the time considering the terrible situation she was in.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tShe was grieving. Maybe she felt the bullshit she had to deal with from the media and the fans couldn\u2019t possibly be worse. People were literally stalking her and showing up at her house at night. It was a horrible situation, and I cared about her as a friend. I wanted to be there for Courtney during this very dark time. That\u2019s how I fell into her trap.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cHere, take this,\u201d she said one night, handing me a bag.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cWhat is it?\u201d I asked.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cSome of Kurt\u2019s clothes. I want you to have them.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cWhy are you giving this to me?\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cEverything is so fucked right now. Just take it.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tSo I did. I didn\u2019t think it was strange at first. I thought Courtney was giving Kurt\u2019s stuff away to keep his possessions in her circle of friends rather than have them disappear and show up for sale somewhere. Everyone wanted a piece of Kurt. I took the clothes, and I wore them occasionally. There was a ratty-looking trench coat that I wore onstage a few times and a blue cardigan sweater. One thing that bands from the Northeast shared with bands from the Northwest was an appreciation for a good sweater.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tAt the time, I didn\u2019t understand how famous Kurt\u2019s sweaters were. There was a whole field of sweater detectives who kept track of all the different sweaters he wore. Eventually, I wised up to the fact that Courtney wanted me to be seen wearing Kurt\u2019s clothes. I\u2019m pretty sure the sweater Courtney gave me is the one he\u2019s wearing on the back of the greatest hits album. In the pantheon of Kurt\u2019s sweaters, it\u2019s up there. Courtney knew what she was doing when she gave it to me.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tThen there was the bear.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tCourtney had a stuffed teddy bear in which she kept Kurt\u2019s ashes. It was part teddy bear, part backpack, so she could carry it around her wherever she went. At first, I liked the bear. I liked knowing that Kurt was close, but eventually it started to give me the creeps.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tA bunch of us were in Courtney\u2019s hotel room in Manhattan. It was me, Courtney, and some members of Juliana\u2019s band. It wasn\u2019t a party, but people were partying.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cLet\u2019s take a picture together,\u201d Courtney said.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cOkay.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cLet\u2019s pretend like we\u2019re making out.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tI didn\u2019t want to do it. We were on her bed and even though there were lots of people around and nothing intimate was happening, I knew people would get the wrong idea if they saw the photo. It was just an awkward situation, and I wanted no part of it.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cI don\u2019t want to,\u201d I said.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cCome on, Evan! It will be funny in fifteen years.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\tI shook my head, but she wouldn\u2019t let the matter drop.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cCome on, do it!\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tFinally, it got to the point where I felt like it would be less strange if I just did it than her asking me over and over again. It was my camera, and I figured no harm would come of it if no one ever saw the photo.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cAll right,\u201d I relented.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tI pressed my lips against hers and someone took the picture. Our lips barely touched, like the way you\u2019d kiss a close friend or relative.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tAnyway, like so many other things, I forgot all about my kiss with Courtney. I didn\u2019t even think about it when my camera went missing a few days later. A bunch of us were staying in the hotel to support Courtney and our stuff was spread out in different rooms. I figured it would turn up eventually.\u00a0<\/p>\n
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\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\tAbout a week later the photo of me and Courtney kissing in bed was splashed all over the New York Post. Even though you can tell the photo is posed, there was a huge uproar over it. People were not cool with that photo. Fans felt like it was disrespectful to Kurt\u2019s memory, and it made me look like a sleaze ball who was taking advantage of Courtney during a vulnerable period of her life.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tThat was the best-case scenario. For some, that photo was proof that the rumors Courtney had been spreading about us were true and that I was a first-class scumbag. I figured it was someone working at the hotel, or someone posing as a hotel worker. Paparazzi spy tactics. Real cloak-and-dagger shit.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tLater, someone told me that Courtney sent the photo to the tabloids herself, which made me sad. I wanted to believe that she wouldn\u2019t pull a stunt like that. I think on some level we all care what people think about us.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tWhen you\u2019re the subject of intense media scrutiny, you have to figure out a way not to care or you\u2019ll go crazy. But this was different. Courtney was trying to plant an idea that simply wasn\u2019t true. It wasn\u2019t fair and it wasn\u2019t cool and there was no getting away from it.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tUnfortunately, I\u2019ll always be a part of the sad, strange story of Kurt and Courtney. That photo implicated me in all kinds of conspiracy theories about Kurt\u2019s death, which persist to this day.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\n\tEven Courtney\u2019s father insinuated as much in Nick Broomfield\u2019s documentary.\u00a0<\/p>\n