Devout: Losing My Faith to Find Myself<\/em>, out Tuesday, Feb. 17.<\/p>\n\n\t\u201cI had never admitted to myself that I had feelings for guys. I acknowledged that there was something wrong with me when I was 12. People would tell me that boys who like boys are bad, and girls who like girls are bad. That\u2019s why I started praying about it. The first time I had feelings for a boy was when I was in second grade and I talk about that in the book. From that point on, I felt the need to hide.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\tArchuleta was a high school student when he was named the runner-up of Idol<\/em>\u2018s seventh season in 2008. (David Cook was crowned champ that year.)<\/p>\n\n\t\u201cI was known as the quiet shy boy who smiled and never said anything. I had been bullied when I was younger for being a sissy and being feminine. So, I didn\u2019t want to be looked at. On American Idol<\/em>, I was worn out from constantly being afraid and constantly feeling like I had to have my guard up. I couldn\u2019t sing my song and then leave,\u201d he says. \u201cThey were filming me. They wanted to know about me, and my mannerisms were exposed.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\tIt was a conflict for the young performer, who wanted to sing and share himself with the world but feared he would be rejected if people found out he was queer. \u201cI didn\u2019t like myself. Luckily, the producers liked me. They wanted me to do well and they portrayed me as this happy, sweet boy-next-door \u2014 I tried my best to be that,\u201d he says. \u201cI was a sheltered Mormon kid who grew up in Utah and was home-schooled a lot of his life and was socially awkward. People found that endearing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\tAt the same time, Archuleta was developing a huge fan base from his performances on Idol<\/em>, including many LGBTQ+ viewers. \u201cI didn\u2019t understand why. After I came out [in June 2021], a lot of people told me I was their \u2018gay awakening.\u2019 It was the first time they realized they were attracted to men,\u201d he says. \u201cI was in so much denial on Idol <\/em>and yet I was the representation of a queer young teenager on national television struggling to figure out who he was.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n
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\n\tArchuleta first thought about writing a memoir shortly after he came out publicly. (He came out privately to his family seven years earlier.) \u201cI realized I was in a position where I could tell my story and shed more light. At the time, I was still going to church. So I thought, what can I say to help people in my church community know that there were people like me here,\u201d he says. \u201cI had never realized that there were queer people in the Mormon church until I came out. Five people in my own congregation wrote me directly and said, \u2018I\u2019m like you.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\tIn his early days of coming out, Archuleta felt too embarrassed to attend church with his own congregation, so he found another place for services. \u201cThere was a grown man, and I knew one of his kids, who was already an adult. I left early because I felt uncomfortable mingling with everyone. This man chased me down and said, \u2018Brother Archuleta, I am like you.\u2019 I could see the desperation in his eyes and he said, \u2018I can\u2019t tell you how hard it has been,\u2019 and I realized people like him were hiding because the church doesn\u2019t want to admit that there are people in their congregations having a hard time. I thought, \u2018Someone needs to say something about this,’\u201d Archuleta says. \u201cIn my book, I talk about someone coming up to me in an airport while I was on tour. He asked me, \u2018How did you come out?\u2019 I asked him, \u2018Have you been having suicidal thoughts?\u2019 and he said, \u2018I\u2019ve been having them for the last month.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n
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\n\tArchuleta experienced his own suicidal ideation before he came out. He considered himself a \u201ccorrupt product\u201d and compared himself to a broken toy. \u201cI just couldn\u2019t see myself any other way,\u201d he says. \u201cI asked myself which is better, ending my life or possibly being gay. There was a moment where I thought if I take my life, I might still have a chance at redemption.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\tThe young man from Murray, Utah, was at peace with the decision to end his life. He wrote a note to his family about who should inherit his possessions. He scouted locations that might be good places to commit suicide. \u201cMy church always said it\u2019s not about this life. It\u2019s about eternity. So why would it be worth accepting myself in this life if it meant costing my soul for eternity?\u201d Archuleta says. \u201cA lot of people in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints get to that point where they think, \u2018I will give up my life here so I can possibly be saved in the next life.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\tBut then he wondered, what if that isn\u2019t true? \u201cHow do you know?\u201d Archuleta says. \u201cBecause Joseph Smith said it? He could\u2019ve made it up and all these people have given up their lives for well-told fantasy tales in the Book of Mormon.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\tArchuleta recalls once dropping to his knees and praying for God to make him straight. In that moment, the singer says he received a message from God telling him that \u201cthere\u2019s nothing to change.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cIt was not the answer I was expecting to get after 17 years of praying about it. I decided to trust that,\u201d he says. \u201cMy church did a great job teaching me that you can have your own personal revelations from God. So I felt that was an inspired divine moment that I had with the grand creator of whatever has brought all this into existence. I felt seen for the first time.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\tAccording to Archuleta, Devout<\/em> also details how he gave up too much of his will and choice to others. \u201cI was toxically co-dependent on so many people. With my dad, with other family members, with my management, with producers and with my church. It was time for me to live my life. It\u2019s been freeing and I feel confident in my body and with myself for the first time,\u201d he says. \u201cIt took me until my 30s to get there and I know a lot of queer people relate to that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\tThere came a point after his public coming out when Archuleta left the Church of Latter-Day Saints. His mother left as well, telling her son, \u201cIf you\u2019re going to hell, we\u2019re going to hell together,\u201d which inspired his song \u201cHell Together.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\tThe process of leaving the church did not happen immediately. \u201cI was close with the church leaders. I worked alongside them. I served alongside them. They knew me. I knew them. I thought I could talk to them and if they knew the heartbreak and the struggle that we go through and the answers that we find with our relationship with God, when we accept ourselves, surely they will hear it because they\u2019re seeking God\u2019s light and God\u2019s directions,\u201d Archuleta says. \u201cIt was frustrating how resistant they were. I could tell the church leader I was closest to wanted to hear my story and then he completely ghosted me. When I left the church and talked about it, he finally reached out to me a year later and asked, \u2018Why did you have to come out? Why did you have to do that publicly?\u2019 I told him, \u2018Because you didn\u2019t hear me when I went through church channels.\u2019 It was surprising after everything I\u2019d done willingly and lovingly, how quickly they cast me aside because of being queer.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\tArchuleta says he wasn\u2019t trying to make his church look bad. Instead, he just wanted to be included. <\/p>\n
\n\t\u201cI wanted them to see us for who we really are and that there\u2019s still a place for us to belong and to contribute and to be a part of the community and loved, instead of having to be abandoned and pushed out and then pointed at and judged at from the inside, saying, \u2018Look at those evil people. They\u2019re so miserable and unhappy because they chose to be gay and dark and sinful and perverted,’\u201d he says. \u201cWe were miserable because our community abandoned us.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\tThe title of Archuleta\u2019s book was suggested by his friend John Hoffman, co-creator and showrunner of the Hulu series Only Murders in the Building<\/em>. \u201cHe told me, \u2018When I hear your story, I think of \u2018devout,\u2019 because you were so devout to your church and people like your father and you wanted to please them,\u201d Archuleta says. \u201cYou were so loyal to your beliefs and to God. I think of \u2018devout\u2019 and \u2018out.’\u201d<\/p>\n\n\tArchuleta also writes in Devout <\/em>about his time on American Idol<\/em>, including the night of the finale, when host Ryan Seacrest opened an envelope and said, \u201cThe winner of American Idol, by 12 million votes\u2026is [short pause] David [another pause] Cook!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\t\u201cI was so exhausted by that point,\u201d Archuleta tells Rolling Stone<\/em>. \u201cI was so drained, it was like a fever dream. I don\u2019t think either of us had the energy to take in that moment. For me, it was finished. I could finally relax and not worry about being in front of everybody every week, being chased by paparazzi and being hounded about my stage dad. People dissed my dad to my face all the time in interviews, and I just had to take it with a smile on my face. But I was also so thankful that everyone believed in me, because I didn\u2019t think I deserved it. I felt so unworthy to be there, because I had this belief in me for decades that no matter what I did, how much I accomplished, how much praise I received, I was unworthy of it and I didn\u2019t deserve it because of the \u2018dirtiness\u2019 I had inside of me.<\/p>\n\n\n
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\n\t\u201cWhen I was writing this book, I reacted the same way. I was disgusted. I cringed But then I thought, \u2018Why are you so disgusted with yourself?’\u201d Archuleta says. \u201cI\u2019ve learned to love that part of me and it was really healing\u2026. As a 35-year-old, I can receive the success that 17-year-old David had and say, \u2018Good job! I\u2019m proud of you and you\u2019ve made it this far. You almost chose to not be here and, gosh, I\u2019m so glad that you did because a lot of people chose to take their life.\u2019 Hopefully by sharing my story, less people will get to that point and choose to stay as well.\u201d<\/p>\n
\n\tDevout: Losing My Faith to Find Myself is published by Gallery Books. Archuleta will begin a seven-city book tour on Feb. 17 in New York. Each event will include a Q&A discussion as well as an autograph signing with the purchase of the book.\u00a0In addition, David will also release a three-song EP of new music written specifically about themes in the book.\u00a0The\u00a0<\/em>Devout\u00a0EP is available only through the purchase of the audiobook,\u00a0also released on Feb. 17.<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n
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