The book, which Auf der Maur describes as a \u201cpart coming-of-age autobiography, part travel diary, part psychedelic scrapbook,\u201d arrives on March 17 via Da Capo.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\tOCTOBER 1994<\/p>\n
\n\tIt quickly becomes clear that I am on tour with a force to be reckoned with. Never before have I seen anyone possess Courtney\u2019s level of power and destruction while also revealing what it means to have survived pure hell. In less than six months, she has lost her husband and her bass player, been left a single mother, and been publicly accused of using drugs during her pregnancy. Soon she will be similarly accused of killing her husband. Her performances are full of unpredictable body movements, accusations, and screams, laced with dark humor and no small amount of drugs to take the edge off. She has very little to lose and everything to gain by being her most empowered and imposing self onstage. Audiences are captivated, night after night.<\/p>\n
\n\tI knew it was risky for me to join Hole. Let\u2019s not forget, my initial instinct was to say no. But here I am, taking everything in. A typical Hole show during this time is like boarding a high-adrenaline roller coaster every night, with equal concern for the safety of Courtney, the audience, and the band members and, ultimately, our sanity. It\u2019s a bit like what I imagine going to battle in front of an audience might feel like, like gladiators on display. We never know what\u2019s going to happen next.<\/p>\n\n\n \t\tEditor\u2019s picks<\/p>\n<\/h2>\n<\/section>\n
\n\tIn October 1994, just a month into our headlining tour, we hit Chicago and its active and exciting music scene. Chicago is home to the best indie labels outside of Seattle: Touch and Go and Thrill Jockey. The Metro, where we\u2019re playing, is a legendary rock venue.<\/p>\n
\n\tOur walk to the stage every night feels like moving in slow motion. The grubby hallway of any old club transforms into the portal of a timeless mission: to share our souls with the world. Our walks turn into more of a strut. We take deep breaths to calm our racing heartbeats before we come together in a four-person huddle. As we awkwardly hold hands for a moment, Courtney recites a prayer of her choosing for that day \u2014 either a Buddhist chant or part of the Lord\u2019s Prayer, and punctuates the end with a visceral \u201cHhhhh-hah!\u201d creating an electric shock that runs through us. Then we release our hands and take our positions onstage.<\/p>\n
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\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/p><\/div>\n<\/p><\/div>\n<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\tMoments in the show when Courtney confronts the audience always get a little nerve-racking. Someone could throw something at the stage and hurt one of us, or they could shout out the wrong thing and piss her off. She might ignore it, or she might choose to engage. There is never any way of predicting.<\/p>\n
\n\tSemicoherent streams of consciousness are becoming more common the deeper we get into the tour. They\u2019ll get way worse over time, eventually devolving into endless rambles of nothing.<\/p>\n\n\n \t\tRelated Content<\/p>\n<\/h2>\n<\/section>\n
\n\tI never play under the influence of anything, so the effects of the use and abuse of heroin are foreign to me. I have no way to assess what part of Courtney\u2019s behavior is her personality, her posturing, or the drug. As time goes on I begin to pick up on the signs of clear heroin use, such as track marks, pinned pupils, nodding off, and slurring of words. The gods of punk rock who came before us, such as the Sex Pistols, had also looked and acted like this, whether they were on drugs or not. The stumbling, the \u201cfuck you\u201d flipping of the bird \u2014 all of that had been painted by the punks before us.<\/p>\n
\n\tKnowing how smart Courtney is, I can\u2019t tell what\u2019s an act and what\u2019s real debauchery. At this moment in Chicago, she\u2019s pulling it off with a decent balance. But that balance is precarious, and it\u2019s not going to sustain itself throughout the Live Through This tour. As the drugs get heavier, they\u2019ll start to ruin performances.<\/p>\n
\n\tStill so new in the band, I don\u2019t have much rapport with the other two members onstage yet. During a show, I have limited bandwidth beyond \u2014 in order of importance \u2014 my bass, Courtney, and the crowd. I suspect the same goes for Patty and Eric, too. In truth we really are not much of a band. We never really play off of or tune in to each other. The leader leads the whole show. Her moods, rants, and assault function as conductor. The rest of us exist in our own vortexes, trying to stay sane and stick to our commitments to get to the finish line.<\/p>\n
\n\tIt\u2019s said that band dynamics are like family dynamics, pathological and often top-down. There is always a leader. In a family, that\u2019s most often a mother or a father. If the person at the helm is destructive, unpredictable, or struggling with mental health issues, the members lower down on the totem are tempted to follow the path of least resistance to avoid conflict. This is absolutely the case with Hole. Each of the band members under Courtney struggles to find his or her place in the dysfunctional family dynamic, hoping to get out in one piece, while counting on the music and the mission to give us a reason to be there. In the meantime, subjecting ourselves to unhealthy pathologies instead of more mindful and caring ones is unfortunately the norm.<\/p>\n
\n\tSomehow, we make it through the entire Metro set without a major incident. It always feels like a success to still be in one piece, physically and emotionally, and leave the stage at the end of a set. The trick is to surrender, not to break. This is literally living life on the edge of chaos.<\/p>\n\n